I can't help but be conflicted. I am grateful and happy to be marrying the man that I love so dearly, my everything. But I hate that we have to do it this way instead of having a more traditional go of it. It's quite funny, I found our marriage visa application that we got back in October. Yup. You read that right, OCTOBER. It is dated with all the information from the place we had gone to speak with about it. The picture is featured below. We were trying to do things the right way. We had the right intentions. This was before Penelope was even a thought. When I say this man has wanted to marry me for a while, this was a part of the while. We were waiting for his court stuff to be done with the DWI. Then all the Holiday's hit. We just got our rings ordered on Valentines. This was always the intention. I hate that we didn't act faster because we thought we had time, that was foolish of us. You learn from your mistakes but with so much at stake I wish we hadn't learned the hard way.
He got his birthday card today. He said it made him sad because of the situation but it made him happy because he really enjoyed the pictures. With the last letter I sent a sonogram of the baby. With this one I sent pictures from our pregnancy reveal. He now has pictures of our family in it's entirety. He said, "Happiness and sadness are always together and you can't have one without the other. We are just going through some sadness right now. Happiness is soon to follow." This man is amazing and he makes me smile every day. I cry for unknown reasons, I guess because I'm just sad. But even though he has been gone now for 3 weeks he still has a way of making me smile even over the phone. Even after everything. He has always had a knack for making me smile.
He lights up when I talk about the baby. He is so happy to hear about the little things and I can't wait until he can come home and stop just hearing about it. I told him how active she is and he laughed joking that he would have to have his redbull and a 5 hour energy to keep up with all 4 kids. With as active as she is already, he may very well have to.
The attorney says we should hear something by the end of this week or by the beginning of next week concerning the bond hearing. It's so close but so far. Once I get the bond then I have to go through another leg of figuring out how to fund it. I have two charities I am going to speak with in Dallas. I really hope they will help, otherwise I don't' know what I am going to do to get him home. I have a appointment with a therapist tomorrow afternoon, after my weekly visit with Cesar. I hope it provides me with something. The anxiety is still bad, but short of sedation, there's no real solution for me until Cesar comes home.
