Better than yesterday 3/19

So the anxiety and tears from yesterday have faded and I'm feeling better today. Cesar and I both decided to leave the chaplain alone today. We are going to check in tomorrow and see what the word is on the approval. Despite his call being later this morning, I was okay today. Some anxiety when I got to work, but this is a daily occurrence for me now. I think that the reason it happens is because work is where I found out Cesar had been taken. That is where everything went to hell, and as much as I like my job walking through those doors is a constant reminder of that day. Other than feeling a bit light headed this afternoon (hoping I'm not coming down with the plague (flu)), it was pretty okay. I still am not really "hungry" per say, but baby steps. Right?

I spoke with the attorney today and he is gathering info to get the bond started. He plans on having it done and ready to go. That way as soon as we have our marriage date we can go ahead and file for Cesar's court date. Everything is hanging in the balance waiting on this marriage to take place.

I came home and got a paper done that I missed because I was caught up in everything last week. I talked to Cesar tonight and got more information that the attorney was asking for this afternoon that I didn't have previously. We laughed a lot and I miss him so much. I told him I was lucky enough to have a counselor finally get back to me so I can try and get some mental help through all of this. I told Cesar, "I found someone to help prove I'm crazy." He laughed at me and said "You're not". Maybe not in the traditional sense. But I struggle severely with this anxiety and the depression. I keep the anxiety under wraps most of the time the depression is a rarity for me.

Speaking with him makes me smile, he makes my hear feel full. I was speaking with a friend today and told her I was "broken". She responded with, "No. You are not broken now. As a matter of fact you have never been more whole. This is the most whole I have seen you in the 6 years I have known you. Coming from an unhappy marriage to where you are now." I thought about this later as I sat on my couch doing a tad bit of research for the paper I needed to bang out really quick. It's true. I have never hurt so much because I truly feel like a part of me is missing. That was the part that was missing before. I'm sad because I was whole with him and I am a missing part of myself without him. It's not that I can't be alone. I'm fine on my own and I love my alone time. I want that person that I love, my other half, that one special person who makes my life complete. The man I love means the world to me. This has been taxing and it's just the beginning but with him by my side I know we can do anything. I need my rock so I have someone to help prop me up during this process. He's the one on trial but I need him to help me help him.

Yesterday Scarlett asked why he wasn't home yet. I told her, "because in the eyes of the government he has broken the law." She responded with, "But that's not fair. He was brought here when he was a kid. It's not his fault. He didn't know any better. Why would they treat someone like a criminal when they aren't?" My response was "Because sometimes our government does fucked up things to people that live here." My 9 year old daughter gets it. But there are grown men making these laws and choosing not to do anything about them. It's shocking that she gets it and adults don't.