I feel so incredibly lucky to be married to Cesar. The officiant was amazing and it was taking everything for both of us not to cry. This was the first time we had gotten to be together in the same room since they took him on the 7th. 3 weeks of not knowing what was going to happen, not to be able to feel his touch or his embrace. It was so nice to be able to hug him and for a split second I felt safe again. I was able to feel calm and not be riddled with anxiety. For a moment, despite the blue outfit, things felt normal. I got to hold his hand. I got to kiss him at the end of the ceremony. For that brief moment I got to have him back, for that moment I didn't have to be scared, I didn't have to worry about the attorney or the case. I just got to enjoy the fact that what we wanted to happen was finally happening. We were allowed 15 min after the ceremony to visit with one another. That 15 min went by so fast. We both cried. I started it, I just miss him so much and this is a beat down everyday. I tried to get Penelope up and moving around so he could feel her kick. She wasn't having it and he said, "we have plenty of time for that don't worry." Our time spent together was chaperoned by a camera and the chaplain outside of the room. We were "too close" so we had to put some more space between us. So even during our 15 min being watched we couldn't even be as close to one another as either one of us would like. Even at the end of the visit I had to say goodbye first just like I did the morning he was taken. They didn't have anyone to walk him back. 15 min is so short, it's not fair. None of this is fair.
As soon as I left I took Lauren back to her truck and drove to Denton to submit the license and get the certified copy for the attorney to submit at the hearing for documented proof of our nuptials. Even though he will have one in his file at the detention facility. It's better to be safe than sorry. So another certified copy of something I may never use goes into my folder of documents associated with the case. That folder goes everywhere with me throughout the week in the event that I might need a piece of paper from the case on the fly.
I felt a certain level of calmness come over me after all of this was done yesterday. Kind like, I knew nothing else could be done at this point and there is nothing I can do. So I could stop freaking out for a little bit. I needed to see him desperately without the glass. I don't know why that was affirming but something about it made more sense to me psychologically. We didn't get to speak as much yesterday as we normally do but that's okay. I got to talk to him before bed and I felt grateful for that.
Today I am exhausted and the depression is a struggle. I thought having the kids with me would help as a distraction from the situation. Surprisingly it makes the day go by slower. I got kicked by Scarlett all night last night so I'm sleep deprived. I haven't heard from Cesar at all today and it's 2:00pm. Which stresses me out. I know he's still there but it just makes the sadness worse. Having the kids here with me makes me realize just how alone I am, just like going to the midwife appointment alone. I spent a good 20-30 min crying between the laundry room and then the bathroom. I didn't want the kids to see me. I'm trying to be productive and pack, do laundry and other stuff done. It's just really hard for me to keep it together. Julius asked what Cesar's number was again because he wanted to FaceTime with him. He doesn't understand that Cesar doesn't make calls from his cellphone. So I tried to explain it the best I could in hopes of getting him to understand.
The kids miss him a lot which makes it that much harder. They frequently ask when he is coming home and all I can say is, "we are hoping in a couple of weeks". I have no definitive timeline. They don't understand why, and frankly neither to I. I just want this nightmare to be over. I need him home. I emotionally can't do this. I put on a brave face and I do what needs to be done because I have no other choice. I cry everyday even when I try hard not to. I do either in my car to or from work, when I get home, just whenever I have time to myself. I'm having a hard time keeping it together. This is too much to handle. So please excuse me while I jump in a shower where I can cry in peace.
