Today the officiant submitted her stuff to the chaplain. I tried to call and confirm but I couldn't get the chaplain on the phone all day. It looks like I will call and bother him tomorrow. We are hoping to get married by the end of the week, so there's that. Hopefully Cesar will get his court date soon. As soon as we get the marriage date set Cesar will be putting in a request for a court date. Hopefully with both the application being filed and Cesar requesting one we will get a date asap. It would be awesome if we could get it for next week. Considering they are suppose to get one within the first two weeks of being held.
Today was my first, and hopefully only, baby appointment without Cesar. He called towards the end of the appointment because he couldn't get to the phone when the appointment started. Penelope is healthy, she kicked the doppler as soon as it touched my belly. I'm measuring a week ahead 19 weeks, I'm currently 18. No surprise there, why wouldn't I have a big baby? My midwife was more concerned with me and my mental state. She asked if I was doing better. My response? "Nope, but I'm surviving." I would really like to have him home before the anatomy scan on the 9th. Begin at the Dr. by myself today was a reminder of how alone I was. Every other woman in there had their significant other with them. Not me, I was all alone. Then when he did call we had to disconnect kinda early because he couldn't hear because people were being loud.
Cesar's birthday is on Thursday and I hate that he has to spend his 36th birthday in a detention facility. I went and got him a card and printed him some pictures today to send with it. It hurts me so bad that I can't see him but it hurts me even more that the kids can't. I was talking to Scarlett last night and she said when you talk to Cesar next tell him we miss him, and we love him and we hope he comes home soon. You don't have any idea how much more that hurt my heart. Knowing that this is hurting the kids. It makes me sad seeing them be hurt by this experience. When I spoke with her tonight before bed she said, "Did you tell him I love him and miss him?" I told her I did, "She said don't forget to tell him again tonight!" I did as I was told and made sure he knew.
I just want this nightmare to end. I just want to have him home. I want to not be alone, and feel alone. I know reading that is probably getting old. It, however, is how I feel. It's not going away. I don't even know that when he comes home I will be able to stop having panic attacks at work. I don't know that I won't randomly cry when I think about this and our looming final court date. I don't know a lot of things. All I know currently is a deep pit of despair and darkness. With an unimaginable about of pain associated with it. I have always been a highly logical person capable of controlling my emotions without any real struggle. I cry now for no reason, I panic and or am in a state of anxiousness almost daily. It's uncomfortable and debilitating. No, this has nothing to do with my pregnancy. I was having a really happy easy pregnancy up until this happened. This is one of the happiest ones I had been able to have in years. That was shattered by Cesar being taking away. I just want to get better, I want this to get better.
