I had a pretty bad anxiety attack while I was waiting for Cesar this morning. It made me thankful for the therapy session I was going to this afternoon. Once he got there the anxiety kinda melted away. We laughed and tried to enjoy the visit despite the outrageously loud men on either side of us. It's so irritating to have to try and hear someone over and obnoxious asshole. If we all spoke at a reasonable decibel this would be a nonissue. I don't get it. I left feeling okay. Sad this he's spending his birthday in there and sad that we still haven't received a court date, but there is progress. So I will take it.
Cesar and I talk the whole time I am driving to work, which was nice. Yesterday our time was limited because of issues with phones and payment, technology was malfunctioning. He called me today after the therapist appointment to see how it went. I said, "I was doing good today I didn't cry until I went in there. Then I spent a good solid 5 min in the car panicking. I broke down as soon as I got outside. I don't know why. I thought this was suppose to make me better?" The woman also suggested maybe taking the Zoloft if I struggled readjusting. I'll cross that bridge when I get there, I worry about it. Not just the effect on the baby but also the long term effects on me. I need relief but I don't want to feel nothing. I'm sad, but I can usually get over that. I don't know that the anxiety will go away until Cesar comes home.
I left not really feeling one way or another about the therapy session. I don't really think it helped. Honestly I don't know if it will. Most of the time I consider therapy to be helpful in cases where you don't have someone to talk to about your problems. Which is why you need someone to bounce your thoughts off of. I hope to see some relief from it, but after one session I don't know if it will be effective. Only time will tell.
I am excited we will be getting married tomorrow. No matter what happens, no matter where all of this lands, I know that we belong to each other and that is all that matters.
